About me

Trigger warning…. dont read if your in a bad way………..

Hi I wanted to start off my blog by saying a few things about myself.

I am in my thirties, I have Bipolar 1 which means I have extreme highs and lows. I was diagnosed in my twenties, firstly I was diagnosed with Post natal depression when my son was born then severe depression but after alot of consultantations I was finally diagnosed with Bipolar. I can’t say I was relieved as it’s a life long condition with no cure.

First of all I didn’t believe it so I wouldn’t take my medication, I didn’t like that label, I thought thats not me they got it wrong, I’m not crazy. It yool years before I finally accepted it. I now do take the medication and feeling very stable right now.

On top of that I hear voices, I have heard them since I was young, first of all it was just one voice, a older man, and now throughout the years it’s now four and their all men. I was always afraid to tell people in case they would think I’m crazy or I’d get locked up. I constantly hear them 24/7. Their always there being negative and telling me things like I should kill myself or I’m a bad person who deserves to die and be alone. I discovered music to be helpful, I’d put on my headphones and concentrate on the lyrics to help me cope and block out the noise in my head, sometimes it does work and it calms me down.

I have been very suicidal in the past, in one year I tried to end my life over twenty times, which obviously didn’t work. This made me mad because I thought I couldn’t do anything right.

Ontop of my mental illness I’m an addict, I started using when I was in my teens, first it was cocaine, then went onto pills and finally Meth (ice). I’ve been to rehab a few times but I couldn’t handle it. Also I have managed to be and stay clean but always had relapsed, for now I’m in recovery and have been clean for over a month now. I also used alcohol as a copy mechanism which I was also addicted to so I’ve stopped completely drinking.

I’m also a selfharmer and have been doing this for many years as it helped with all my thoughts but I’m proud to say I have not done this for a while.

I have tried to stay positive, but sometimes I’m just negative which isn’t good for me at all or anyone associated with me.

Recently I’ve been through a course of ect (shock therapy) which has helped with my depression. Unfortunately for the past couple of weeks I’ve not just had voices but I’ve been seeing things that aren’t there, I can’t really watch TV because of this, I’ve started to wear my cross again because I think that bad people will try and hurt me and in my mind by wearing this it’ll protect me from evil, I know it sounds crazy and I’ve not really told anyone this as I think people will either judge, think I’m making it up for attention or I’m just plain crazy. I’m worried I might get diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia or something similar but I wanted to be honest. I’m not religious but this is what I believe, I think hopefully I’ll be able to tell a professional one day but I’m managing to cope with this in a good way so it’s not getting in the way of me doing things.

Anyways I’ve said enough, I just wanted to start a blog letting people know that they aren’t alone, that having a mental illness isn’t always a bad thing and there are good people who do want to help like myself. I want to be a good person and help others who are feeling alone.

Hopefully next blog I’ll write more about what it’s like to be bipolar.