TMI- talk of suicide and drug abuse
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This is quite hard to write, I’m not sure it’s going to make any sense but I like to help people and I thought someone who reads this might be going through some tough times and hopefully someone can relate and not feel alone with what ever your going through.

On the 1st of June I took a massive overdose of 70 Tramadol tablets along with alot of alcohol, I also self harmed. I’m not sure what the trigger was , my support worker was it’s because I went to my childhood home and saw my dad and son but to be honest I have no idea. I was feeling ok that day, saw my friend and went to my local with her. After that I went home and as soon as my mother went to bed, I grabbed my bag and left late at night. I don’t remember much, but I was lucky a friend found me and took me to hospital. Apparently my blood pressure was dangerously high and I had low blood sugar so I was put on a drip, I had alot of seizures which weren’t normal as I couldn’t sit up or walk without having some form of fit. Luckily I came in when I did as my mum told me I could of died. I took an overdose on purpose and when I came too I was so angry with myself.

I went to a mental hospital voluntarily as I knew I needed help, didn’t have a great experience, still went out and drank alcohol and self harmed. On my second ward round I was upset because before that my mum told me I couldn’t come home, she kicked me out. I’ve never felt so alone, didn’t know where I was going to go but at least I was still in hospital unfortunately I was discharged that day and I got so angry as I had no where to go. Luckily a mental health charity found and got me a room in a b&b.

I was so upset with my mum as a day before she took rent out of my account leaving me with 40 pounds. But then again I don’t think she was doing it out of spite.

Fast forward to Thursday, I thought I was doing ok, but it got too much, my dad again has told my son what happened as my brother thought he had every right to tell my dad what happened with the overdose, he doesn’t. My dad and I don’t have a relationship, so he doesn’t need to know anything about me. I looked in my bank, and I have 5 pounds left, so I’m basically broke. As well as that my son was coming down to my mum’s house for the weekend and I wasn’t allowed to see me, that broke my heart but maybe it’s for the best I’m not exactly mother material.

I had so much hurt that day that I just wanted to forget all my problems. My friend bought me alcohol as I asked him if he had any. I drank all day with him as well as doing coke but then he offered me some ketamine and I haven’t done this in so long, maybe five years ago so I thought it would be ok

Big mistake, because I had taken my medication, took coke and massive amounts of alcohol I went into full psychotic melt down. The police came as well as an ambulance and it took them three hours to get me out . I was told this as I hardly remember everything, and that I was put in handcuffs and sedated. The police had to escort me to hospital and put me on a police section. When I came too I was cuffed to the bed with a officer sitting next to me. Took them ages for me to convince that I wasn’t going to harm myself and that I didn’t have suicidal thoughts.

I was so ashamed with myself, I called my mum and she told me she’s done with me completely, no-one in my family came to see me, my mum told my brother and he sent me a upsetting message.

I was doing really well on the methadone, I thought if I don’t take my doc then it didn’t count but it really does and how I’m back to square one.

I’m not writing this for sympathy, it’s my fault and I don’t blame anyone else, I made that choice. Right now I’m scared that everyone hates me, and now they’ll no longer talk to me as I’m such a screw up.

I’m sitting in my b&b and will bw only going out for my methadone and have been told by the clinic I’m on my last warning.

My mum or family aren’t talking with me, but I deserve this and they need peace not a problem person in their life

My support worker thinks I need counseling as until I talk about what’s going on I’ll never be fully well and healed. But I’m scared that once I start talking about my problems I’ll breakdown. I don’t like getting emotional.

I’m hoping I’ll be eligible for supportive living, I’ve been told by the mental health team that they think I’m too vulrunable to go to a hostel however I just think I’m an idiot for my bad choices . I just got out of hospital and I’m just writing this before I back out. It was so lonely travelling back here, noone came to pick me up, and luckily I had just enough to get a bus. Hopefully things will pick up but for now I’ll keep myself busy and won’t talk to anyone in the B&B as I think I need to keep to myself. I currently have no money and haven’t eaten anything in three days, which again is my fault and I need to deal with this and sort out my own life. It could be worse, for now I’ve got a roof over my head.

If you take anything from this then don’t be like me. Ive lost everything and everyone and I don’t want it happening to anyone as you only have one life and make sure you live it and be happy…. Don’t be like me!!!

I’ll update when I know more. Thank for reading

Xxxx

So I thought I’d try and explain how I’ve been feeling for the last month, which is difficult but I’m hoping I explain it clearly. I’m not great at words however psychosis is a complex subject to which is different for everyone experiencing it.

I thought I had telepathy. I would hear people’s “thoughts” daily and go into manic states where it would not stop. At first, the thoughts were nice and i’d just listen. They would talk about how pretty I am or how cool I am. It was weird but I kinda liked it. Then one day, I started to converse with these “people”. They were the voices of people I knew including my mum and my good friends and even strangers that I barely knew. They would tell me that telepathy is a huge secret that the government is trying to hide because it wasn’t okay to do. It scared me but I could not stop. I became obsessed and felt like I had a serious problem because I literally could not stop talking to these people that were in my head. They began to get angry and pretty much treat me like crap and made me feel horrible. It became so bad that i’d stay awake for days, not eat, and sometimes laugh hysterically to myself. It was sooo absolutely odd. I then began to see demons and dead people that would tell me things that made me feel…indescribable. They’d speak of God and Satan and just crazy things that’d terrified me to the bone. I honestly still to this day, wonder if that was real. Because they were intelligent, articulate and intense presences that I could also “feel”. But anyway..

It got to the point where I was so delusional and could not function properly in my day to day life. It had consumed me. I literally thought I had telepathy! I felt like I was, truly “harassing” people because I could not stop “minding” them and the emotion I had the most was embarrassment. I would tell my secrets and do things that were crazy and weird and the voices acted beyond annoyed and would tell me things like “I’m going to call the police” “shut the f*ck up” and even worse “kill yourself”. I started to become delusional and think people I loved didn’t really have my back and were doing stuff behind my back. I was absolutely a wreck.

Imagine…your darkest moment plastered all over Facebook. That was my experience with psychosis. It played out in email, Facebook, texts, and phone calls. I am all for being open and transparent. But, it was not my goal to be recognized through psychosis on social media. The truth? My memory of writing or saying things is limited. It is an embarrassing experience.

I’ve been In numerous physc wards for not staying on my medication which is what happened this time, I had a psychotic breakdown which I have never experienced it this bad but luckily I came in when I did

I couldn’t tell anyone what was going on in fear of rejection but I should of got help earlier maybe then it wouldn’t of happened.

I would describe “psychosis” as a dream state. Only, I am acting it out and awake rather than laying in my bed asleep. It is scary and dark. It scares me, but it isn’t all about the dark side. There are moments of light.

I’ve been diagnosed with different labels every time. Psychosis, bipolar, schizoaffective disorder. I think it’s messed up actually how doctors will label you and put you on some random medication when they obviously don’t know what is going on. But anyway, I was eventually put in a hospital where I still am here. I still here voices but there the ones that I’m used to and not the bad ones if that makes sense.

This has all been a pretty crazy experience to say the least. I feel better knowing I’m not the only one who deals with mental illness. My advice is stay on your medication and stay healthy and be positive. I’m glad I could share my story. Thanks

I began self-harming in a desperate attempt to lessen, or momentarily rid, my extensive emotional pain. It was initially just experimental and something minor and occasional, however it soon became a daily activity.

I would self-harm when I felt like I couldn’t handle my emotions on a particular day or moment. At first, it partially relieved some of the pain, however, soon it wasn’t enough.  As my pain increased so did the intensity of my methods of self-harm, and I became unable to let a day pass without harming myself. Then, it led to me self-harming on multiple occasions during the day.

Without it selfharm I felt like I couldn’t survive a day: it essentially became an addiction. With my addiction worsening, I also got better at finding ways to hide my secret from others, even family. Now I’m left with scars on my arms, legs, stomach and even on my neck, I’m extremely embarassed and when I’m in public with family and friends I’m sure their ashamed, which is why I rarely wear short sleeves outside.

I have found that Self-harming can help in the short-term by the following:

Expressing feelings you can’t put into words

Releasing your pain and tension

Helping you feel in control

Distracting you from overwhelming emotions or difficult life circumstances

Relieving guilt and punishing yourself

Making you feel alive, or simply feel anything, instead of feeling numb.

I still have strong urges to harm myself some days. However, my urges to self-harm overall have lessened and my willpower has strengthened. I still am not fully “cured” from self-harming thoughts; I think it’ll take a while for me to no longer think of harming myself.

They’re still many occasions where I’m still tempted to harm myself since it is something familiar to me.  During those times it can be really hard to not to let my emotions control me and self-harm, instead of using others coping tools. However, I make the conscious decision to use my skills instead of engaging in my old behaviour

It definitely is a very difficult process of quitting quit self-harming behaviors can be, even just the initial thought of no longer harming is a challenge, however it isn’t impossible. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy; it’s one of the hardest things you’ll do, but you’ll be extremely proud of yourself when you’re able to commit to refraining in even one instance. You are worth so much more that hurting yourself! Don’t forget that there are healthier ways of dealing with your pain.

What I have found helpful :

I talk to people: because I know that there is no shame in my feelings or my past.

I never overwhelm myself and take one day at a time: knowing your limits is important.

I find a healthy outlet: expressing your feelings and finding a healthy outlet, be it going to the gym or doing art, which i have found helpful even if it seems impossible to do.

I decided to write this as I feel it’s an important topic and it needs to be written. Most people do not know I have this as I’ve kept it a secret, but I’m not ashamed though, I just didn’t want people thinking I have too many issues.

I’m going to be talking about ADD or as it’s properly known Attention Deficit Disorder. Now people often get confused between ADD and ADHD. Attention Deficit Disorder is kinda similar to ADHD but without being Hyper. I was diagnosed with this along side Dyspraxia.

I often get asked about ADD and bipolar, now they are simiar but only the ADHD because of the hyper or mania. You can have both at the same time, I don’t have ADHD because unlike that I am able to sit still, im only hyper when I’m manic so not all the time unlike ADHD.

People like me with this diagnosis can quickly become bored. They don’t often listen, may be forgetful, lose things, not be prepared, and be disorganised aswell as be easily distracted by movement, noise, and what is happening around them.

Sometimes it amazes me that I have accomplished as much as I have in my life because of all the school and social problems I have had since my childhood. I was never able to understand why I could not do better than I did in school but i managed it and I’ve now got a degree.

When I was a child  I would sometimes come across as timid and ineffectual, or phased out as if in a daze. I was sometimes quiet but very laid back, so particularly in a disruptive environment such as school or college I would try and disappear into the background and most of the time be overlooked for attention. As well as this I was passive and didnt really bother anyone, people with ADHD are the complete opposite.

My main challenges are in regards to motivation. I have some other symptoms too, but those don’t cause me significant distress and I live with them fine I also tend daydream alot. I have tried not doing it but my god its hard. My head is in the clouds and I look like I’m staring into space.

No one should ever feel hampered by a diagnosis of one type or another. Having ADD has been a blessing, a curse and a challenge. Ive learnt that life is about reaching above ones abilities and problems.

If I can overcome these issues then anyone can. I have learnt throughout the years to manage my ADD so people aren’t aware I’ve got it, I think I’ve done a great job so far ….

Living with bipolar, especially for many years, teaches you a lot about yourself, about the mental health services, about medication…and sadly often about stigma, shame, and discrimination.

I feel like I’m riding a constant rollercoaster of moods. Depression can feel utterly shit and the worst thing in the world. But mania is the dangerous one. This can be a challenge when many believe mania to be exciting.

Bipolar can  be triggered by trauma, or other life events and sometimes part of therapy is addressing underlying concerns to get someone to a point where they can start to see a life worth living.

Despite what others may tell you, or what you might believe, recovery is possible. I never thought I could be a worthwhile human being and have something meaningful to offer. That’s just the illness speaking and the effects of learned stigma. It doesn’t need to be that way.

I have learnt that I am more resilient than I could have ever imagined. I have discovered that there is more to life than getting a degree or a good job.

I have learnt how important it is to reach out to others when I am unwell, even when I don’t feel like being around others. Going through episodes alone has had some disastrous consequences in the past.

Keeping well when you have bipolar is an interesting concept. For some it revolves exclusively around manging moods. For others it means fitting life around moods. For me, and others like me who are deep into a recovery that seems to be holding, it’s about keeping an eye, and investing in the things that help us all boost our mental health.

For many, if not most people with bipolar, life and keeping well includes taking medication, even though you don’t want to. I know it’s tempting to hinge every experience and feeling you’ve ever had on the diagnosis, and to an extent, it’s a very natural thing to do, but you’re still you, you still have your own feelings and thoughts, and your own language and perception of your own life. Try not to adopt an illness identity. You are you. Not bipolar. Get to know yourself.

Reachout to other people with the diagnosis, whether that be through a community support group or via social media. It’s easy to feel the shock of isolation when you are first diagnosed. I believe that hearing other people’s experiences and connecting to those who are in the same boat can not only help with accepting the illness, but with also providing sense of ‘normality’ within the community.

Lastly work with bipolar rather than against it. Pretending it doesn’t exist won’t make it go away. In fact, it will make it so much more difficult to control.

I have a motto and it’s listen, learn and love. Even though I’ve gone through a mood decrease in the last week, I’m learning to help myself, I’ve learned you shouldn’t put all your troubles on your friends, it will make you look and selfish even though your probably not it will seem like you are. By helping yourself you are helping others.

Recently I nearly had a slip up, someone told me something devestating,  something that made me question myself. It made me feel so alone and such a bad person. It was definitely a blow to my heart. I started to believe the voices again.

I was alone in the house, my mother had gone out and I thought this is my chance to just end it all, but then I remembered that I can’t do this, I can’t be selfish because that will make everyone including the voices right about me.

I’m glad I didn’t do anything, I’m proud that I managed to get myself out of that dark mood, I didn’t call anyone to tell them how I’m feeling, which at that time was the right thing to do. That night was so difficult for me because it made me feel such a bad person and selfish but I’m trying not to be, I want to do better.

Moral of this is to think first before you take action, if you have been told something that hurts you, don’t do anything you’ll regret, sleep on it and think about it the next day or just distract yourself, which sometimes does help. Keep track of your progress and remind yourself that you are a good person despite your illness.

I just wanted to let you know what my experience has been with getting ECT. I know people who are sceptical about the treatment. Personally I have found ECT to be amazing. It has been nothing but positive for me and I am feeling GREAT!! It took until the Fourth treatment to notice a change, and also a change to bilateral ECT, but now that I have I am very happy with the result.

I want to ensure people that I underwent the procedure voluntarily and that had I not done so, I’d probably be dead by now. Now the only good thing about rock bottom is that once you’re there, the only place you can go is up.  The first thing you should know about ECT is that it’s a last resort treatment. It’s a procedure you’ll qualify for only if you’ve exhausted all other options

Basically I currently feel 80% better. I don’t know if this is going to decrease and I have heard that it can, but I would have no hesitation in undergoing more treatments in the future if so. So far I have  had twelve treatments in total.

There are some side effects that I need to mention. I have noticed some difficulty with my memory. I try to keep in mind that my memory was pretty bad already just with the depression  but I have noticed sometimes I am trying to find an answer to something that I am sure I would know and I just can’t get to the answer which is so frustrating especially when trying to give advice, which I used to be good at.

I wasn’t put off by the fact that it wasn’t working up to my fourth treatment however i was just starting to worry a little bit that it might not work for me.

After meeting with a doctor and having bloodwork done, I was given the official OK to start ECT. I was told that I would be going in for treatment three times a week. On the day of the treatment there is anaesthetist and a nurse as well as a doctor. When your in the treatment room I would lie down on a bed while the anaesthetist put in the needle in my arm and then they would get me to turn on my side while they put the oxygen mask on and I would go under. The doctors and nurse were always really sweet to me and made me feel comfortable.

A psychiatrist will stick some small pads onto your forehead and while you are asleep (under anaesthetic), emit an electrical current through the brain which causes the body to have a short seizure. (The body doesn’t actually move because you will have been given a muscle relaxant ). Somehow this seizure seems to cause changes in a persons brain chemistry and is able to improve depression. Usually it takes a few treatments to see a change, I had twelve.

The next thing I would wake up in the room next door with another nurse who would give me reassurance, especially because of my short term memory loss.

There has been so much positives from having the ECT especially getting my life and mind back. I’m doing so much better, im definitely more stable now and I think of it as my life saver, you could say I’m more sane.

That said, I believe it’s extremely important to be as transparent as possible, so I’ll be straightforward and say that ECT did not cure me of my depression and it did not magically make me happy, either. What it did do was take me from the verge of death and bring me back to 0. I went from suicidal to neutral. I still think of suicide everyday and I’m fearful of rejection but I guess that’s normal. At least for now I want to live and my mind is my own. ECT has been a life changer and I hope that people who are close to me know how much I have changed for the better.

For me, that was more than I ever could’ve hoped for — it really was a second chance at life. ECT was a reset button if there ever was one and I truly believe I owe my life to all of those early morning procedures. Since then, I’ve been able to manage my depression through medication alone, but I know that if I ever hit rock bottom again, I can count on ECT to bring me back to a place of control.

I’m still bipolar but my mind is my own and that’s all I wanted. I want to help and give out good advice even though I’m still learning because of my memory problems and it comes across so wrong but I’ll get there some day, I hope people will stick by me and understand.

I’m getting better each day and my hope for the future is to be a good person, and for people to look past my faults.

If anyone is thinking of ECT then I say go for it. I have been told I might need more in the future and that’s ok.

Self harm has become a larger part of my life than I could have ever have imagined. A alien concept to me, it has completely took over my life. The need to hurt myself was overwhelming to the point where I was completely out of control. I became a frequent visitor to the hospital. It’s been a while since I have self harmed but I still have those thoughts but I’m not going to act on it.

Hearing voices and seeing things that aren’t there is a frightening experience and one that I am still struggling to come to terms with. To an extent the voices are controlling my actions at the moment. It is almost like an auditory version of the proverbial devil on your shoulder, making it impossible to share my fears with the professionals at the moment. Hopefully this blog is the first step towards being able to do so.

People think I’m not listening to them but I am, I’m fighting the voices in my head because I want to listen and help.

My old friends from university reactions when i eventually told them was difficult to cope with they automatically assumed I had schizophrenia. They told me I should never have kids. They made me feel that I was abnormal, not like everybody else. They’d use words like crazy and make jokes at my expense. Then unfortunately they left and never spoke to me again even to this day I think it was my fault, maybe I shouldn’t of told them and I’ve got used to people leaving as I’m not a good person or friend, this is why I always think I’m going to be forever alone.

I’ve never had alot of friends and I still don’t, maybe I will be alone forever, I deserve it because I’m not a good friend and that’s why people don’t want me around. I still want to change who I am.

Acceptance of myself and my illness is my eventual goal and I hope talking about my experiences will help someone, somewhere along the way.

I’m just an kind of a normal person trying to live a normal life. I don’t hurt anyone. At the moment im stable and calm and most importantly of all, I am getting better. Just because a person hears or sees things that others do not, it doesn’t mean they can’t live a happy independent life.

Although my illness affects me as an individual, I didn’t want people to think the illness is who I am and what characterises me, that my personality is at fault. My illness is in fact still a disorder of mood, much like depression or any other better-known mental illness. Through it all, I am still me.

No matter how low I’ve been, I’ve always tried to support those around me who have been struggling.

Dont read it if your vunlerable……..

After writing a bit about my bipolar, which I will go further into next time, I didn’t mention my eating disorder. Not many people know about this as I didnt want people to think less of me

I have been suffering with this since  I was a teenager, I was fine with how I looked until my so called father told me that I was getting fat, I still remember to this day how the words really hurt, no father should say that to their daughter. From then on I vowed to make sure I wouldn’t put on weight so i just ate healthy food and exercised daily which i did that for many years.

Unfortunately when i got to 18 I excessively exercised, would eat little as possible and constantly weigh myself. When I thought that wasn’t working or I was gaining weight I would start to throw up after everything I ate. First I’d do it once a day then I did it even more, before I knew it, it became second nature. It worked I managed to stay slim, I did stop for a period when I was pregnant as I think I didn’t wanna harm my unborn child but id still monitor it. I did have some time when I really gained alot of weight because of medication but for some reason I didnt really care, I was going through alot back then with the difficult relationships I was having so it was the last thing on my mind but the eating disorder would come back with a vengeance and I went back to my old ways of extreme dieting.

My dad’s words of calling me fat are always on my mind, my son even used to call me that which really hurt.

I still have this problem but at the moment I haven’t sought any help as I think I’ve put alot on my family and I don’t want them finding this out.

I still have a difficult relationship with food, I only eat one meal a day if that, I would make dinner for my mum and eat only a small amount. I still think I’m fat even though people look at me and think I’m crazy for saying it.

I’m embarrassed to say that if I have eaten too much I’ll find a way to get rid of it because of the fear of gaining weight, even though it’s wrong in my mind I’m helping myself.

I’m hoping soon I’ll be able to stop but for the time being I really can’t as I’ve got to be in the right frame on mind although I’m not as excessive as I used to be.

Anyway I will write more when I can as this is all I can say right now. I hope people can relate and don’t hate me for my honestly, I’m not always great with saying what’s going on in my life.

Trigger warning…. dont read if your in a bad way………..

Hi I wanted to start off my blog by saying a few things about myself.

I am in my thirties, I have Bipolar 1 which means I have extreme highs and lows. I was diagnosed in my twenties, firstly I was diagnosed with Post natal depression when my son was born then severe depression but after alot of consultantations I was finally diagnosed with Bipolar. I can’t say I was relieved as it’s a life long condition with no cure.

First of all I didn’t believe it so I wouldn’t take my medication, I didn’t like that label, I thought thats not me they got it wrong, I’m not crazy. It yool years before I finally accepted it. I now do take the medication and feeling very stable right now.

On top of that I hear voices, I have heard them since I was young, first of all it was just one voice, a older man, and now throughout the years it’s now four and their all men. I was always afraid to tell people in case they would think I’m crazy or I’d get locked up. I constantly hear them 24/7. Their always there being negative and telling me things like I should kill myself or I’m a bad person who deserves to die and be alone. I discovered music to be helpful, I’d put on my headphones and concentrate on the lyrics to help me cope and block out the noise in my head, sometimes it does work and it calms me down.

I have been very suicidal in the past, in one year I tried to end my life over twenty times, which obviously didn’t work. This made me mad because I thought I couldn’t do anything right.

Ontop of my mental illness I’m an addict, I started using when I was in my teens, first it was cocaine, then went onto pills and finally Meth (ice). I’ve been to rehab a few times but I couldn’t handle it. Also I have managed to be and stay clean but always had relapsed, for now I’m in recovery and have been clean for over a month now. I also used alcohol as a copy mechanism which I was also addicted to so I’ve stopped completely drinking.

I’m also a selfharmer and have been doing this for many years as it helped with all my thoughts but I’m proud to say I have not done this for a while.

I have tried to stay positive, but sometimes I’m just negative which isn’t good for me at all or anyone associated with me.

Recently I’ve been through a course of ect (shock therapy) which has helped with my depression. Unfortunately for the past couple of weeks I’ve not just had voices but I’ve been seeing things that aren’t there, I can’t really watch TV because of this, I’ve started to wear my cross again because I think that bad people will try and hurt me and in my mind by wearing this it’ll protect me from evil, I know it sounds crazy and I’ve not really told anyone this as I think people will either judge, think I’m making it up for attention or I’m just plain crazy. I’m worried I might get diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia or something similar but I wanted to be honest. I’m not religious but this is what I believe, I think hopefully I’ll be able to tell a professional one day but I’m managing to cope with this in a good way so it’s not getting in the way of me doing things.

Anyways I’ve said enough, I just wanted to start a blog letting people know that they aren’t alone, that having a mental illness isn’t always a bad thing and there are good people who do want to help like myself. I want to be a good person and help others who are feeling alone.

Hopefully next blog I’ll write more about what it’s like to be bipolar.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton