The voices and selfharm

Self harm has become a larger part of my life than I could have ever have imagined. A alien concept to me, it has completely took over my life. The need to hurt myself was overwhelming to the point where I was completely out of control. I became a frequent visitor to the hospital. It’s been a while since I have self harmed but I still have those thoughts but I’m not going to act on it.

Hearing voices and seeing things that aren’t there is a frightening experience and one that I am still struggling to come to terms with. To an extent the voices are controlling my actions at the moment. It is almost like an auditory version of the proverbial devil on your shoulder, making it impossible to share my fears with the professionals at the moment. Hopefully this blog is the first step towards being able to do so.

People think I’m not listening to them but I am, I’m fighting the voices in my head because I want to listen and help.

My old friends from university reactions when i eventually told them was difficult to cope with they automatically assumed I had schizophrenia. They told me I should never have kids. They made me feel that I was abnormal, not like everybody else. They’d use words like crazy and make jokes at my expense. Then unfortunately they left and never spoke to me again even to this day I think it was my fault, maybe I shouldn’t of told them and I’ve got used to people leaving as I’m not a good person or friend, this is why I always think I’m going to be forever alone.

I’ve never had alot of friends and I still don’t, maybe I will be alone forever, I deserve it because I’m not a good friend and that’s why people don’t want me around. I still want to change who I am.

Acceptance of myself and my illness is my eventual goal and I hope talking about my experiences will help someone, somewhere along the way.

I’m just an kind of a normal person trying to live a normal life. I don’t hurt anyone. At the moment im stable and calm and most importantly of all, I am getting better. Just because a person hears or sees things that others do not, it doesn’t mean they can’t live a happy independent life.

Although my illness affects me as an individual, I didn’t want people to think the illness is who I am and what characterises me, that my personality is at fault. My illness is in fact still a disorder of mood, much like depression or any other better-known mental illness. Through it all, I am still me.

No matter how low I’ve been, I’ve always tried to support those around me who have been struggling.