What happened

So I thought I’d try and explain how I’ve been feeling for the last month, which is difficult but I’m hoping I explain it clearly. I’m not great at words however psychosis is a complex subject to which is different for everyone experiencing it.

I thought I had telepathy. I would hear people’s “thoughts” daily and go into manic states where it would not stop. At first, the thoughts were nice and i’d just listen. They would talk about how pretty I am or how cool I am. It was weird but I kinda liked it. Then one day, I started to converse with these “people”. They were the voices of people I knew including my mum and my good friends and even strangers that I barely knew. They would tell me that telepathy is a huge secret that the government is trying to hide because it wasn’t okay to do. It scared me but I could not stop. I became obsessed and felt like I had a serious problem because I literally could not stop talking to these people that were in my head. They began to get angry and pretty much treat me like crap and made me feel horrible. It became so bad that i’d stay awake for days, not eat, and sometimes laugh hysterically to myself. It was sooo absolutely odd. I then began to see demons and dead people that would tell me things that made me feel…indescribable. They’d speak of God and Satan and just crazy things that’d terrified me to the bone. I honestly still to this day, wonder if that was real. Because they were intelligent, articulate and intense presences that I could also “feel”. But anyway..

It got to the point where I was so delusional and could not function properly in my day to day life. It had consumed me. I literally thought I had telepathy! I felt like I was, truly “harassing” people because I could not stop “minding” them and the emotion I had the most was embarrassment. I would tell my secrets and do things that were crazy and weird and the voices acted beyond annoyed and would tell me things like “I’m going to call the police” “shut the f*ck up” and even worse “kill yourself”. I started to become delusional and think people I loved didn’t really have my back and were doing stuff behind my back. I was absolutely a wreck.

Imagine…your darkest moment plastered all over Facebook. That was my experience with psychosis. It played out in email, Facebook, texts, and phone calls. I am all for being open and transparent. But, it was not my goal to be recognized through psychosis on social media. The truth? My memory of writing or saying things is limited. It is an embarrassing experience.

I’ve been In numerous physc wards for not staying on my medication which is what happened this time, I had a psychotic breakdown which I have never experienced it this bad but luckily I came in when I did

I couldn’t tell anyone what was going on in fear of rejection but I should of got help earlier maybe then it wouldn’t of happened.

I would describe “psychosis” as a dream state. Only, I am acting it out and awake rather than laying in my bed asleep. It is scary and dark. It scares me, but it isn’t all about the dark side. There are moments of light.

I’ve been diagnosed with different labels every time. Psychosis, bipolar, schizoaffective disorder. I think it’s messed up actually how doctors will label you and put you on some random medication when they obviously don’t know what is going on. But anyway, I was eventually put in a hospital where I still am here. I still here voices but there the ones that I’m used to and not the bad ones if that makes sense.

This has all been a pretty crazy experience to say the least. I feel better knowing I’m not the only one who deals with mental illness. My advice is stay on your medication and stay healthy and be positive. I’m glad I could share my story. Thanks